He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
