Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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