Im at strip club and am horny
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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