next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i think my cat just said my name.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
