Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
