just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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