watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
