i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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