I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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