38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
