i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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