She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
