My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
