Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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