me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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