Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
