kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
