Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My life is pants optional.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
