you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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