i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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