I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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