Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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