My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
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Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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