Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
