you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
