last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
