sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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