8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
