Your tits are I can't wait for
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
