3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
