She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
