u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
