thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
