Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
