yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
