It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
