i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need to calm my uterus...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
