he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
