i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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