the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
