Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
did i just pee glitter
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