Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
