i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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