there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
