woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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