I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
