like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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