Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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