watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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