this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize