I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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