Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think my fart just growled at me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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