When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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