He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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