I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
