I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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