We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
