if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
